I hate the phrase 'Now or Never'. It sucks my breath out, nearly snuffling out my life. Dilemmas can bring this life-threatening situation in front of you leaving you to choose between hell and fire. Either way it forces you to take decisions. If its a person like me, then it makes it worse: trying to make the right choices in my life. I shall explain. I have this weird habit of visualising my problems, future implications of both 'to-be-made' choices and me having sleepless nights. People would consider these two as symptomatic of love. Bah! Not so at all, unfortunately. Right from making my academic choices to choosing a guy (be it a fling or an open relationship), I have had sleepless nights. Each time my editor gave me a deadline to write or edit a story, I would freak out the first two days, wondering how to complete my assignment. Yet again one such 'do or die' situation is looming large over me. As I write this, my heart is beating faster and palms are sweaty. It has been two sleepless nights already and I still do not know what to do. My closest buddies cansee the tension writ over my face and even then I am the only one who knows what is going on in my heart.
A storm in my inner realms...
"Feels like a storm causing ripples in the dephs of my heart
As a convection current shakes stirring wires of my heart.
Dark clouds gather and converge,
Am waiting for them to burst and open the floodgates of joy,
Rains to drench my soul and flood my senses;
Drown into deep, dark waters of the Ocean of bliss;
Let my body float, drift listless into the oblivions,
Where a parallel universe exists lies awaiting me.
As my eyes close, I breathe deeply,
Drown myself into the depths of my fantasies."
Meanwhile I open my eyes only to find an approaching storm closing in. This time unline earlier, I decide to stand up and face the huge wave that is about to engulf me in its embrace. I yearn to be swept away by the storm. Not scared anymore. I have nothing to lose—my heart and soul already drained, ready for eternal surrender. Aches and pains throbbing in my body become trivial as I take in slow, meausured breaths. All I want to do is to go into a dreamless sleep—a sleep where I don't have to make choices, or be responsible for the implications; close my ears and hear waves of ecstasy roaring in my ears, creating an invisible shield, I want to cut myself off from the world!
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