Love...an enigma!

Love is so misunderstood. Be it with friends or family or companions, it still remains fraught with ambiguity and tension. We cloak it with our endless expectations, willing the other person to change and bend to our will and yet we call it ‘love’ for the other one. We demand a certain attitude, we beg for openness and the ability to understand, we hope for gentleness – and yet, we may never show any of that ourselves, when it is called for, when the needle spins and points to us. But there are moments in a certain relationship or scenario, when you know in your heart, that you did what you could – nothing, no force, could have made you give any less or any more. That is the point in your own evolution and inner growth, when you know that you have peaked, at least for the time being, until life prods you towards the next level. At such a moment, even if the world collapses upon itself, you remain unfazed simply because only you know that every ounce of your strength went into keeping it in motion. If despite that, the collapse took place, it was meant to. Don’t always look for love when love is so fleeting, so boxed in, so convenient. Live alone within, be one with yourself, be stable in your deepest spot. Take strength from the knowledge of who you are and what you did – you remained selfless; you were a bigger person; you exceeded your own capacity and limit. That is something which should make you proud – not pride as in a pat on the back, well done, swollen head…… no, pride that a test was put forth and you sailed; when you could have chosen from a thousand roads, you took the one that was the hardest but the only one which could save. It may not save the relationship but it saved you because you know the effort and the determination with which you walked, an uphill task which you performed. So take that strength and know that while love is fleeting, while love is strange, while love is really so misunderstood, it exists. It exists because you yourself are a symbol of that love.

My inner voice...

These are quotes that I found across books, a few from the web too... These are reflections of my inner soul. They mirror the very trepidations and turbulences of my mind...

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

~ Judy Garland as "Dorothy Gale" in The Wizard of Oz

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For this brave old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded.
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox ~

I know as a writer how valuable a tool is the wastebasket. Perhaps God throws away many experiments before He finds the right expression. Perhaps we are the discards — or we could be the part He keeps. This mystery is what keeps us all going, to see what happens in the next chapter.

~ Isaac Bashevis Singer

I found a book on how to be invisible —
On the edge of the labyrinth —
Under a veil you must never lift —
Pages you must never turn —
In the Labyrinth.

~ Kate Bush in "How to Be Invisible" on Aerial

Variety's the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavour.

~ William Cowper

The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence;
not in silence, but restraint.

~ Marianne Moore~

A phrase begins life as a literary expression; its felicity leads to its lazy repetition; and repetition soon establishes it as a legal formula, undiscriminatingly used to express different and sometimes contradictory ideas. ~ Felix Frankfurter

The one important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one's work seriously and taking one's self seriously. The first is imperative and the second is disastrous.

~ Margot Fonteyn

It requires twenty years for a man to rise from the vegetable state in which he is within his mother's womb, and from the pure animal state which is the lot of his early childhood, to the state when the maturity of reason begins to appear. It has required thirty centuries to learn a little about his structure. It would need eternity to learn something about his soul. It takes an instant to kill him.

~ Voltaire

Twisted Choices

I hate the phrase 'Now or Never'. It sucks my breath out, nearly snuffling out my life. Dilemmas can bring this life-threatening situation in front of you leaving you to choose between hell and fire. Either way it forces you to take decisions. If its a person like me, then it makes it worse: trying to make the right choices in my life. I shall explain. I have this weird habit of visualising my problems, future implications  of both 'to-be-made' choices and me having sleepless nights. People would consider these two as symptomatic of love. Bah! Not so at all, unfortunately. Right from making my academic choices to choosing a guy (be it a fling or an open relationship), I have had sleepless nights. Each time my editor gave me a deadline to write or edit a story, I would freak out the first two days, wondering how to complete my assignment. Yet again one such 'do or die' situation is looming large over me. As I write this, my heart is beating faster and palms are sweaty. It has been two sleepless nights already and I still do not know what to do. My closest buddies cansee the tension writ over my face and even then I am the only one who knows what is going on in my heart.

A storm in my inner realms...

"Feels like a storm causing ripples in the dephs of my heart
As a convection current shakes stirring wires of my heart.

Dark clouds gather and converge,
Am waiting for them to burst and open the floodgates of joy,
Rains to drench my soul and flood my senses;
Drown into deep, dark waters of the Ocean of bliss;
Let my body float, drift listless into the oblivions,
Where a parallel universe exists lies awaiting me.

As my eyes close, I breathe deeply,
Drown myself into the depths of my fantasies."

Meanwhile I open my eyes only to find an approaching storm closing in. This time unline earlier, I decide to stand up and face the huge wave that is about to engulf me in its embrace. I yearn to be swept away by the storm. Not scared anymore. I have nothing to lose—my heart and soul already drained, ready for eternal surrender. Aches and pains throbbing in my body become trivial as I take in slow, meausured breaths. All I want to do is to go into a dreamless sleep—a sleep where I don't have to make choices, or be responsible for the implications; close my ears and hear waves of ecstasy roaring in my ears, creating an invisible shield, I want to cut myself off from the world!

Zeb and Haniya - Rona Chod Diya...

P.S.: After ages, a song managed to touch me so much!

Teri baaton ne dil toda

tune dekha aur munh moda

badal garja thoda-thoda

teri baaton ney dil toda

tuney dekha aur munh moda

badal garja thoda-thoda

pani barsa

ye dil tarsa

par jab beeta thoda arsa

maine rona chod diya

guzre they jinsey raaste

wohi anjaanein ban gain

karni thi jisse baat ankahi

shayad chup hi hai sahi

hulchul mein hai sagar sabhi

Sakin hai kuch jumbish nahi

yonhi hai guzray hai zindagi

jeetay koi koi

ab tou main bus aik bhawar hoon

gardish main hoon rahguzar hoon

tufaan hoon main tera dar hoon

chal apni hai kal ki khoyi

himmat hai toh rokay koi

mainey rona chod dia

Girtay patton nay

aas hai bhari

kal na aayegi kabhi

bandho dhaaras ab

waqt hai yehi

kar guzro sub kuch abi

gardish main hai mausam sabhi

thehray nahi rokay nahi

rasm-e-duniya hai toh yehi

pahunchay koi koi

teri baaton ney dil toda

tuney dekha aur munh moda

badal garja thoda-thoda

pani barsa

ye dil tarsa

par jab beeta thoda arsa

mainey rona chod diya!

Love's labour lost? Not yet!

I chase you and you run away from me,

I go away, you follow me

Y art thou, my love, you do this to me?

Wat makes you so unreachable, unfathomable

I can see you go away

Away into cupid's alley...

I run towards it blindly-----stumbling, falling

You smile at me from the gap in the closing doors

I call out to you...

You turn your back to me, walk away

Tired of running, I crash and tumble

Burnt out, bruised, I still call your name

I close my teary eyes, dust-caked face

Visualise you just once more...

I have lost you forever

My soul cries out in searing pain

Wish my heartbeats stop forever...

I erase my memories,

That soothing touch, a caring tone,

A voice I may never forget

Hands that once touched my soul

Lips that kissed my hair

Arms engulfing me in a strong hug...

Bitterness seeps in

As I wipe my eyes, stand up

Take one last look behind

And walk ahead...

Years later, strains of music in the fore

Images flash before me

In black and white

As I tread the same lanes...

I hear a familiar voice

Calling my name

I turn around and see him

A heartbroken soul

He reaches out to me

I look him in the eye

Once bitten, twice shy,I say

And walk out of his embrace...

This time, I hear a familiar cry,

A single tear escapes my eye

I walk ahead, shake my head

Ironical, I say!

What goes around, comes around...

What's right, what's not!

Myriad shades cloud my senses,

Negative energies surround an unusual quiet,

Silence occasionally broken by vibrating fans,

Lingering thoughts wandering in the maze of rights and wrongs.

Deepened hues of past and present

Come alive in distorted images, reflections

An angst-ridden mind engulfed by self-doubt.

Waves of sadness drench me, 

Leaving the shores of my mind trembling, wet.

Floating on the surface,

Slowly, yet steadily,

Plungin' into the soul -
A sweet surrender to the 
deep abyss of the mind.

Tangled nerves suffocate a hurt soul,
Few seconds left before dyin',    

Still seeking answers to the
Rights and wrongs of life!                                                                                            

Mita Vashisht & Shubha Mudgal version....

Manwa mein mere aandhi hai uthi, bas stubdh khadi hoon main
saanson mein paar apani hi saans, nishabd khadi hoon main
duniya se jeeti jeeti, khud se haari bas dhwast khadi hoon mein
aaina main aur aks main, madmast khadi hoon main

laaga chunari mein daag chhupaau kaise
laaga chunari mein daag, chunari mein daag chhupaau kaise
ghar jaaou kaise, laaga chunari mein daag
cham cham cham cham jhanjhwaat, antar mein gunje divas raat
ek shunya shunya, tapti vishal, maaya ka madhyam mantra jaal
mann ki dasha se ladati main phirati vishwast khadi hoon main
mari laaj main hoon, chunar bhi main hoon, chunar pe daag bhi main
ho gayi maili mori chunariya, kore badan si kori chunariya - 2
jaake baabul se nazarein milaau kaise, ghar jaau kaise
laaga chunari mein daag chhupaau kaise - 2

main dhwast dhwast, main nasht mast, main saral viral main ativishti
main shaam shwet baadal me rate, nirjhar si jhari hoon main
andhiyaari raat deepak mein baat swapnil si bhari hoon main
kanchan ki kaaya apna hai saaya bas khud se ladi hoon main
lakadi mein gili thodi simi simi tham thamke chali hoon main
hai maaya maaya hai chhaaya chhaaya aatma par saaya main
nistubdh khadi hoon main, nishabd khadi hoon main
vishwast khadi hoon mein..... (laaga chunari mein daag)
laaga chunari mein daag.......

Bavra Mann (my fav song)

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein
Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen
Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage
Bavre Se Nain Chaahe, Bavre Jharokhon Se, Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna.
Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho
Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho
Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke, Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan
Thartharati Low Ho Maddham, Bavri Madhoshiyan
Bavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye, Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,
Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Mirage of thoughts....

Open-ended roads, long highways, and
memorable bike rides....

...and yet, I am still waiting of that
one bike ride on my favourite red Pulsar
wonder when that day will come! ;)

Awry oblivions...

An emptiness fills up the silence within,

No feelings, no emotions, as I watch the world crumble in front of me,

Traffic buzzes past me,

blurring my vision, thoughts,

Mirage of an existence called LIFE appears at all bends and corners,

luring me into the dark oblivions!

Plungng into the depths of the darkest chasms of Earth,
Eerie calmness transcends my mind, body and soul,

Bursts of light pierce through darkness,

Flooding an entangled cobweb of thoughts

Hope lingers on amidst unsatisfied dreams, desires

A spark within to get up and fly.

Flying high, flying away to the green pastures of dreamy castles,

As a secret garden awaits to be opened,

With keys hidden in a tiny brooke.