The Notebook

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me.....every day.”  

― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Javed Akhtar's poem...

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया....

जब गम का साया लहराया....

जब आँसू पलकों तक आया.....

जब ये तन्हा दिल घबराया....

हमने दिल को यह समझाया....

दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है....

दुनिया में यूँ होता है...............

ये जो गहरे सन्नाटे है....

वक़्त ने सबको ही बांटे है....

थोड़ा गम है सबका किस्सा....

थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा....

आँख तेरी बेकार ही नम है....

हर पल एक नया मौसम है....

क्यो तू ऐसे पल खोता है ....

दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है ...........

s

A whirpool of blues...

Walking on a foggy mornin',

I look around;

A mirage of faces

A face stares back at me

Brown eyes lit with fire.

Relationship phobia or escapism?

I would like to begin with a few questions to all: First, Of late, do you resist going for hanging out session or a drink with your buddies? If yes, then, what are the million dollar excuses you have given? Second, if you do meet an interesting guy in a party, what is your initial reaction? And if he approaches you, do you step back and refuse politely or rudely ask him to back off? Most likely, you would retreat to the shadows, stand in a corner, nursing a drink alone, gazing longingly at your friends enjoying themselves.

Its not like you hate socialising, but you have just come out of a bitter break off. It gets worse, if you are emotionally-strung too. It happens to the best of people after all, we all are sensitive human beings and can get affected by breakups. It really does not matter how long your relationship lasted. But, the moments itself can take you to a fantastic high and bring you crashing.

Each time, a breakup can leave you sour and make you rethink on entering a relationship again. For some people, its far easier to get over a guy named 'loser' and move on to a 'much better' guy (as named by us). Sadly for some, it can turn them relationship phobic. It means that they would envy their friends having a partner, but would hate having one. This is the side they would portray to their friends or potential dates. They would try to turn off everyone who wanted them to date.

I would hate labelling them 'relationship-phobic', would rather put it as 'once bitten, twice shy!' ;)

I, Me, Myself...

I, Me, Myself...

Is that we are today?

A clash of egos, a bundle of complexes

Is that all we have to show?

To the world today, we are humanity...

But in our conscience,

We are perpetrators of innocent souls.

Our religion has changed...

Nuclear weapons and Ak 47s – the new Gods.

Mass destruction, our youth's motto.

Children play more with ammunition...

That's what they are given at birth.

Jehad, holy war is the name given to all atrocities,

Where are our ethics & morals?

Trudging across landscapes dotted with warfields and burials for the dead;

With

At crossroads of time

So many thoughts engulf me,

Scare me, put my wits on edge.

Fears of the unknown plague a wounded soul,

Hungry, wild thoughts gnaw, threaten to break the mind's equilibrium.

Breathing raggedly, the heart thumps wildly at the doors,

Wet palms, trembling fingers shake a glass of water,

Setting in motion the vibrations at the surface.

Bubbling from within, crosscurrents of feelings

Raising goosebumps,

Frayed nerves reach a boiling point,

Convection currents cause the uppermost calm to sink,

Innermost turmoil bubbles over, spills, scalds the thin skin of emotions

Scarring mind, body and soul!

Years pass by, 

Scars darkened by the volcanic lava of emotional outbursts, turn numb

Dead skin gives way to new skin cells

Ugly, old scars buried.

Happiness resonates in a love-starved soul.

Wind chimes ringing in the chambers of the heart

Soulful music ensconces, encompasses, engulfs the body,

Sweet melody whispers in the ear, 

Passing by like a flutter in the wind, 

A breeze laced with the fragrance of nectar, 

drugs me into a soulless sleep.

Shakespeare and love...

'What' and ‘if’ two words as non-threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life... (Film: Letters To Juliet)

Love...an enigma!

Love is so misunderstood. Be it with friends or family or companions, it still remains fraught with ambiguity and tension. We cloak it with our endless expectations, willing the other person to change and bend to our will and yet we call it ‘love’ for the other one. We demand a certain attitude, we beg for openness and the ability to understand, we hope for gentleness – and yet, we may never show any of that ourselves, when it is called for, when the needle spins and points to us. But there are moments in a certain relationship or scenario, when you know in your heart, that you did what you could – nothing, no force, could have made you give any less or any more. That is the point in your own evolution and inner growth, when you know that you have peaked, at least for the time being, until life prods you towards the next level. At such a moment, even if the world collapses upon itself, you remain unfazed simply because only you know that every ounce of your strength went into keeping it in motion. If despite that, the collapse took place, it was meant to. Don’t always look for love when love is so fleeting, so boxed in, so convenient. Live alone within, be one with yourself, be stable in your deepest spot. Take strength from the knowledge of who you are and what you did – you remained selfless; you were a bigger person; you exceeded your own capacity and limit. That is something which should make you proud – not pride as in a pat on the back, well done, swollen head…… no, pride that a test was put forth and you sailed; when you could have chosen from a thousand roads, you took the one that was the hardest but the only one which could save. It may not save the relationship but it saved you because you know the effort and the determination with which you walked, an uphill task which you performed. So take that strength and know that while love is fleeting, while love is strange, while love is really so misunderstood, it exists. It exists because you yourself are a symbol of that love.

My inner voice...

These are quotes that I found across books, a few from the web too... These are reflections of my inner soul. They mirror the very trepidations and turbulences of my mind...

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

~ Judy Garland as "Dorothy Gale" in The Wizard of Oz

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For this brave old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded.
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox ~

I know as a writer how valuable a tool is the wastebasket. Perhaps God throws away many experiments before He finds the right expression. Perhaps we are the discards — or we could be the part He keeps. This mystery is what keeps us all going, to see what happens in the next chapter.

~ Isaac Bashevis Singer

I found a book on how to be invisible —
On the edge of the labyrinth —
Under a veil you must never lift —
Pages you must never turn —
In the Labyrinth.

~ Kate Bush in "How to Be Invisible" on Aerial

Variety's the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavour.

~ William Cowper

The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence;
not in silence, but restraint.

~ Marianne Moore~

A phrase begins life as a literary expression; its felicity leads to its lazy repetition; and repetition soon establishes it as a legal formula, undiscriminatingly used to express different and sometimes contradictory ideas. ~ Felix Frankfurter

The one important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one's work seriously and taking one's self seriously. The first is imperative and the second is disastrous.

~ Margot Fonteyn

It requires twenty years for a man to rise from the vegetable state in which he is within his mother's womb, and from the pure animal state which is the lot of his early childhood, to the state when the maturity of reason begins to appear. It has required thirty centuries to learn a little about his structure. It would need eternity to learn something about his soul. It takes an instant to kill him.

~ Voltaire

Twisted Choices

I hate the phrase 'Now or Never'. It sucks my breath out, nearly snuffling out my life. Dilemmas can bring this life-threatening situation in front of you leaving you to choose between hell and fire. Either way it forces you to take decisions. If its a person like me, then it makes it worse: trying to make the right choices in my life. I shall explain. I have this weird habit of visualising my problems, future implications  of both 'to-be-made' choices and me having sleepless nights. People would consider these two as symptomatic of love. Bah! Not so at all, unfortunately. Right from making my academic choices to choosing a guy (be it a fling or an open relationship), I have had sleepless nights. Each time my editor gave me a deadline to write or edit a story, I would freak out the first two days, wondering how to complete my assignment. Yet again one such 'do or die' situation is looming large over me. As I write this, my heart is beating faster and palms are sweaty. It has been two sleepless nights already and I still do not know what to do. My closest buddies cansee the tension writ over my face and even then I am the only one who knows what is going on in my heart.

A storm in my inner realms...

"Feels like a storm causing ripples in the dephs of my heart
As a convection current shakes stirring wires of my heart.

Dark clouds gather and converge,
Am waiting for them to burst and open the floodgates of joy,
Rains to drench my soul and flood my senses;
Drown into deep, dark waters of the Ocean of bliss;
Let my body float, drift listless into the oblivions,
Where a parallel universe exists lies awaiting me.

As my eyes close, I breathe deeply,
Drown myself into the depths of my fantasies."

Meanwhile I open my eyes only to find an approaching storm closing in. This time unline earlier, I decide to stand up and face the huge wave that is about to engulf me in its embrace. I yearn to be swept away by the storm. Not scared anymore. I have nothing to lose—my heart and soul already drained, ready for eternal surrender. Aches and pains throbbing in my body become trivial as I take in slow, meausured breaths. All I want to do is to go into a dreamless sleep—a sleep where I don't have to make choices, or be responsible for the implications; close my ears and hear waves of ecstasy roaring in my ears, creating an invisible shield, I want to cut myself off from the world!